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“Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind." ~Kurt Vonnegut


Babies are the smaller, newer versions of other Creatures, though the term is most often used to refer to new Earth humans. With rare exception (Teddy Roosevelt, Uberboy, Iron Baby, Dragon Baby) they are very weak and easy to take down in a fight.

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HOW TO FIGHT A BABY











Their most powerful weapons are their powerful shriek and their abomninable cuteness, the latter of which can only be overcome by either a preexisting condition of baby-hating or being temporarily reminded that they are hideous poop-monsters. Babies use this power of cuteness to prevent their parents from releasing it into the wild too soon, because of this they are the most powerful character in the Revengerists universe.


Political UsesEdit

Conservatives believe that babies all have some sort of "potential ," implying that they think all babies will be future "job creators " and "useful citizens." What they really believe is that they can convince grown-up babies to vote for their choice of political representative. 

Liberals think all babies do not have any inherent polarized "potential" and that they have lifestyle consequences instead. All babies have the potential to do ultimate good or the potential to do ultimate bad. More babies means more resource consumption. They believe Conservatives want more babies for selfish reasons. Liberals also use babies for political agendas.


Abortion and Birth ControlEdit

Conservatives fight for "Pro Life" laws that prevent the use of contraceptives and abortion. They believe once a sperm has reached an egg and fertilizes it, it is a life. All human lives are precious, according to these TIME POLICE, above all other things. All other things include: the environment, non-human mammals, fish, insects, birds, marsupials, lizards, crustaceons, sea plants, miscellaneous ocean life, and amphibians. The destruction of the environment is completely fine, even to the extent of the future-lives of humans. Humans must live and overpopulate the Earth - that will work out just fine. 

Once an unborn human life exits the womb, it is suddenly less valuable. Though religious conservatives will spare no expense at all in saving the pre-living human clumps of cells, once born they immediately depreciate in value and become "somebody else's problem." Like, why do these irresponsible people even bother having babies? I don't want my  tax dollars paying for their school lunches, shelter, water, or education. And once that baby is old enough to look threatening to conservatives (pre-teen to teen, depending on race), they are actively fought against. Babies of a certain age (also known as adults) are worth less than pond scum and should be carted off to prison to work for literal pennies a day.

The cause of this line of thinking has an unfathomable scope. For starters: religious zealotry, political agendas, and just plain-old insanity are possible causes. 

(3:42:15 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: I defy the conservatives to even prove that abortions exist.
(3:42:20 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: I don't think they've ever seen one.
(3:42:25 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: It's like bigfoot.
(3:42:43 PM) Dr Tasty: Yeah, the picture is all blurry when you try to snap a photo of an abortion
(3:43:17 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: It's really just a ghillie suit full of dead raccoon parts.
(3:44:13 PM) Dr Tasty: I think it's swamp gases or just weird lights, like an airplane
(3:44:26 PM) Dr Tasty: or ...ghosts
(3:44:49 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: one time an abortion terrorized these campers up in Manitoba, but then nobody believed their tale.
(3:45:07 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: They were trapped in the woods for a whole weekend! The haunting sound of the abortion trailing them for miles
(3:45:14 PM) Breshvic Penicillin: That horrible... sucking sound!
(3:45:55 PM) Dr Tasty: That reminds me of this story I heard about a summer camp where an abortion dressed up as a girl killed all of the campers and then the next year at the same camp it came back as an actual girl (post op) and killed everyone again

PowersEdit

"Babbys are creepy and I don't even know why people bother having them." ~Breshvic, to his dad

Babies are weird little sacks that may or may not be plotting to kill you. Though physically weak, they have powerful 'Disarm' moves that lull their enemies into a false sense of security using cuteness and their apparent frail helplessness. But inspect a little closer, and you will realize that babies are creepy as hell.

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Some are even mutants. But all babies are disgusting and horrifying.















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ConclusionEdit

If people stopped having babies, all the world's problems would be solved within a few generations.

See also; Children of Men

If you are interested in becoming a baby yourself, for the good of the species or for personal reasons, then click here to become a baby.

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