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2013-08-09 01.45.53

A full-grown Balloon Alien infiltrating a space office

The Balloon Alien Invasion (also dubbed the 'Balloonien Invasion' by victims or 'Balloonienvasion' by idiots) is an ongoing alien threat to our Outer Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. Not knowing the true name of the unspeaking creatures, they were simply named 'Balloon Aliens' by those whose planets and space stations were invaded due to the similarity visually, physiologically and compositionally to balloons.

The balloon threat began early in the summer of Earth year 2013, and continues in various systems. Some galactic experts say that the nefarious invaders are headed towards Earth, while many other scientists point out that Earth is not anything special in the grand scheme of things and frankly wouldn't be worth anybody's time. Earth has been invaded a ludicrous number of times in its long history, so there is no telling what these malevolent forces might want.

So far they have already infested multiple planets of sentient races, their orbiting space stations, exploratory ships and far-flung colonies. The beings attack by growing into large columns of balloon structures, and then gestating forth a spewing miasma of pods, all balloon-like in shape, which then parasitically graft to the hosts and use mild-mannered office computers to hack into their respective planets' security mainframes.

The threat seems to be constant and recurring, despite Space Knights and other warriors repeatedly putting them down for what at the time seemed like a final time. Luckily, each balloon alien pod, larvae, and mother is not that difficult to overcome, as each is easily destroyed with ballistics weapons, lasers (of certain color), boot-stomping, or sharpened office supplies. It is only through sheer numbers and speed of replication that Balloniens have thus far claimed a wide swath of space for themselves.

2013-08-09 01.46.12

releasing balloon pods for parasitic replication

The Queen Balloon has not ever been found, seen or referenced, (and though entirely and completely speculative) it is universally believed that killing the Queen Balloon will stop all other Ballooniens in their tracks. The creatures attack in massive flocks, and it is unknown if the Queen's motives are specific or directed to conquest or exploitation of planetary resources or perhaps part of a messy divorce.

It is unknown at this time how dangerous the creatures are. It is unknown if this is related to the Balloon Messiah. Most everything is unknown. There are unknown unknowns and known unknowns.

The Revengerists routinely respond to distress signals from space to defend alien races threatened by invasion; here is the interstellar transcript from a deep space loan-collection facility (where Breshvic's dad worked) recorded for posterity:

6.1185.59442.1 "Help us Revengerists! We cannot get past to use elevator or restrooms. We don't know what it wants and can't escape. We could use the back stairway but that means having to physically walk... *static*  Help us. We are trapped. *static* Also need to poop."
6.1185.59458.9 "Mother ship destroyed but not all dead yet. This is a horrible Mother ship.."
6.1185.59479.2 "Some try to escape"
6.1185.59483.3 "They try... But die!"
6.1185.59525.1 "Thank you Revengerists.. We can commence the pooping now. *static* .... Now how to send...  *static* Where is the send button...  *static* Where is keyboard..."
6.1185.59550.0 "I am last of my kind.. Destroyed us all, you did... Ahhhh.... *static* None are left.. All gone... All gone..."
2013-08-09 01.46.15

a balloon pod activating a console to send false distress signals

2013-08-09 01.46.04

tentacles flinging face-hugging balloon pods far and wide (not shown: screaming office clerks)

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