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Butter-jesus-statue-lightning-584 (1)

Before the Clarification/After the Clarification

Big Butter Jesus
 (also known as Lord O' Lakes, The Oleo and the Lamb, Good God Ghee and the Unsalted Savior) was a 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus to the east of Interstate 75 at the Solid Rock Church, a 4000+ member ($4,000,000,000) Christian MEGAchurch near Monroe, Ohio, in the United States. It was destroyed by a lightning strike by God and subsequently melted in a butter fire on June 15, 2010.

Located on the Interstate-facing side of the church's $12,000,000 outdoor amphitheater, the statue was set on an island at the head of the church's creepy baptismal pool, flanked by $6m fountains and lit by colored spotlights to showcase the humility and meekness of the Christian faith. It depicted Jesus rising from his buttery grave (as depicted in the Gospel According to Nate), with his arms and head raised to the sky as if to say "my Kingdom is open to those who BELIEVE that this is butter!". The statue had a 42-foot (13 m) span between its upraised hands and a 40-foot (12 m) Christian cross at its base. The completed statue weighed 16,000 pounds (7,000 kg).

ConstructionEdit

It was rendered by Brad Coriell, churned by Mark Mitten, and sculpted by James Lynch.

Constructed on a metal frame or armature manufactured in nearby Lebanon, Ohio, the sculpted figure itself was created in Jacksonville, Florida, then trucked north. The main body of the statue was made from a core of hardened butterfat and covered by a thin emulsion of phospholipid skin.

The sculpted statue was completed in September 2004 at a cost of approximately $250,000,000.

DestructionEdit

On June 15, 2010, the statue was struck by lightning and consumed in the resulting blaze, due to the petty anger of God's longstanding and jealous commandment against graven images and vanity projects. God is especially intolerant of lactose. The worshippers of Big Butter Jesus referred to this act as the 'clarification' by which they believe all their sins were washed away in the purity of his sizzling form, and also made sautéing easier.

The statue had been sculpted using a thin skin of fatty acids and proteins, over a flammable milkfat interior stabilized by a metal frame, and the fire consumed all but the internal metal structure. Following the fire, the pastor of the church stated that the church planned to rebuild the statue with fireproof butter, as soon as that sort of cool thing was invented. In the days after the destruction, the church's $7,000 digital sign displayed the message "Fried butter for sale". It is Ohio, after all.

Oddly, Big Butter Jesus did not rise again on the third day, or any day after that.


Although the statue cost about $250,000,000 to construct, it was insured for $500,000,000 because Christians are really clever and original scam artists. PETA offered funding through an "anonymous Christian donor" to help rebuild the statue if inferior and tasteless vegan butter were used at the church.

Big Butter Jesus

Big Butter Jesus