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The Culture War is a silent civil war waged to legally oppress opposing values by the social contract and the force of law . Not to be confused with Parmesan Politics, it is exactly like it except even more ridiculous and daunting. The only culture most culture warriors have is bacterial.

Though related to the Class War, it is not exactly the same. It is usually fought by the same sides, however.

There are many sides to the culture war, so please don't think that it is only two sides. The two sides are, the left and the right.

SidesEdit

The LeftEdit

The Left calls itsself this because they believe they will be the only ones 'left behind' once there is an environmental disaster that wipes out most of the planet. Also known as 'liberals' or 'hippies' or 'the wrong side', Lefties seek to impose social and governmental control by allowing people to do whatever they want. For example, by giving people affordable options for healthcare, the Left is chaining you to a horrible fate of not getting sick and dying. By providing adequate social safety programs for the poor, they would enslave millions with the bondage of not starving in the cold street. Leftists believe that they are making 'progress' or enacting 'change' for a better 'tomorrow.'

ObamanautsEdit

Those sheep who blindly follow Obama, no matter if it will increase taxation, or allow Muslim Communists to take over, or put the country in debt, or even if the things Obama has been doing are actually as militaristic and conservative as George W Bush. As long as their false messiah Obama has decreed it, his will shall be done.

DNCEdit

The DNC (which stands for 'dilation and curettage') are a bunch of opportunistic bastards with no proven morality. They will scrape after any piece of legislation they think will make them look good in the eyes of the public, all the while accepting the dirty money of special interests for the exact opposite causes. They are wily and unpredictable, and have sold out their constituencies on nearly every issue. A communal force of hypocritical social reformers, militarized former hippies, sex deviants, pharmaceutical company pawns, new money, intellectual snobs and former/future lobbyists make progress (that they claim to be in favor of) impossible due to infighting, capitulation, and disjointed issue-orientation. More successful individually than as a group, this is the political side that professes to be in favor of teamwork, compromise, and the public interest. Although adamant that they stand for true egalitarianism and enlightened morality, they will always operate, speak, and argue using the other side's definitions and terms. Open-mindedly they refuse to listen to their constituency, and they display their supreme level of tolerance by preventing any significant changes in existing conditions, no matter how problematic.

MSNBCEdit

The media apparatchik of whichever political party is in power, they are currently Obamanauts who profess to have always stood for his values and opposed those of conservatives on the right, and during the Bush years advocated the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. They continue to support the war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on immigrants, and the war on journalists, since none of the above are to be found at MSNBC. With notable exceptions, this so-called 'left wing' media mouthpiece has No True Libsmen.

The Gay LobbyEdit

Black PeopleEdit

Hailing from ancient lands such as Jamaica and Africa, they were once a free peoples but the dominant white-mon turned them into slaves via Black Magic. After centuries of harsh servitude, they genetically evolved into something different than they once were. Some left-ist white people who got their shit together decided to free the slaves and after a cataclysmic civil war they no longer were bound to make dumbass pillows forever. Due to this they were left to their own devices and mostly follow whomever has their own benefit in mind. Most Black People are on the left, because that means they get more minority benefits even though they are most likely more numerous than white people at this point. 

Black Politics involve "Fuck the white man," "Praise be to jah," and "change." Black culture is heavily influenced by the private prison system, who finance negative-impact artists like famous rappers Snoop Dogg and Jazzy Jeff among other hip-hop and gangsta rap rappers who promote a life of drugs, crime, and women with butt implants. People like Malcom X and Martin Luther King Jr. are rare these days and the Black Peoples have no positive leadership. 

Even though most can be classified as being on the LEFT, all of their contradictory beliefs and behaviors put them in a Myster Zone where anything and everything can happen. See below:

A famous Black Person Left Wing Dude Barack Obama became the United States Overlord in 2008 and held office for several consecutive terms after a dastardly cous de grace. He dared to implement a bastardized Universal Health-Care System so that poor people could go to the hospital without becoming indebted beyond their life-spans. He promotes social mobility and growth, but was never able to actually bring these things into full fruition. In fact he does a terrible job as noted elsewhere in this dumb-ass article. At the end of his term in 2028 he was slain by Dr. Gero in a rock-paper-scissors battle during the The Crisis Crisis .

HispanicsEdit

The Hispanics were once actually a very conservative people, from the ancient land of Hispaniola. They were known for their bull-murdering, conquering of native people, and religious extremism. In recent years, however, Hispanic people, who we're pretty sure are also interchangeably called 'Latinos', 'Chicanos' or 'La Raza', have been forcibly removed from the Right by petty idealogues and racists (see below) who don't deem it worthwhile to empower their own side with inclusion of new members (either into their cause or their country). Hispanics are known for their spicy food and hot tempers, both valuable weapons in the Culture War.

WomenEdit

Women are proficient culture warriors, because they are good at whatever endeavor they undertake. Brilliant orators, tacticians, organizers, activists and legislators, one woman can get more done for a cause than fifty conservative men. Unfortunately, one conservative man has 100 times the power of 1,000 women. We have heard rumors that there are some women on 'the Right' but this is thus far unsubstantiated. Any woman on the Right is either a) an undercover operative, b) brainwashed by propaganda, c) blackmailed d) a fembot, or e) fictional.

PervertsEdit

ProgressivesEdit

Also known as 'Socialists' or 'Communists' (the terms are interchangeable), these sick bastards want to corrupt the world's children by promising them things will progress. Ignoring the fact that, by definition, progress is a form of change, and change upsets the status quo. The only way to ensure that social upsets are guaranteed to favor the weak, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to be free, progressives seek authoritarian dominance in a fascist dictatorship of centralized federal executive control over all aspects of life. Citizens will be required by law (punishible by anything-but-the-death-penalty) to be tolerant, accepting, politically correct, respectful and kind. It's awful. Many progressives are peaceniks, and their ultimate evolutionary form is the globalist.

GlobalistsEdit

Militant AtheistsEdit

Amoral secularists who want to eradicate your free expression of religious faith. Nonbelievers, these militant atheists have vowed to crush all those they deem "stupid" and "weak-minded" with their weapons of critical-thinking, snarkiness, smug superiority and not believing in things. They are a form of hate group, singling out other groups for derision, scorn, and even rude internet comments, as these supremacists feel their lack of something (faith) makes them "holier than thou", so to speak. In reality, they hate God, are angry and sad at everything all the time, want to corrupt Christians with their virus, and would remove God out of everything (including courtrooms, your private bedroom, tax exemption, and even your child's schools!). They're probably Hot-Topic-shopping Satanists. They are equally likely to ridicule Christians as they are Jews or any other religion the same (which makes them Anti-Semites), want to kill all Muslims as violent extremists deserving painful war and death, and would punch a Buddhist kid in the face. They just don't have any concept for ethics that would prevent them from doing so.

PeaceniksEdit

New AgersEdit

Otherwise known as 'morons', new agers believe in any number of spiritual beliefs. I mean. Any number. Just about anything, really. They mix and match various pagan and world religions, pseudoscience and alternative medicines, reveling in diversity for its own sake. Happily ignorant of reality, new agers decry scientific accomplishments and discoveries like atomic energy, genetics, modern medicine and vaccination. Instead they employ instruments such as vibrational energies, crystals, chakra stones, zen gardens, accupuncture, homeopathy, meditation, aura reading, psychic phenomenon, memory water, astral projection, near-death experiences, past-life regression, power bracelets, laws of attraction, affirmations, and positive thinking, all for some vague, ill-defined goal involving 'spiritual awakening'. Some new agers go so far as to fall into cults. Good riddance.

GeomancersEdit

These powerful natural warriors harness the power of the land to perform elemental attacks on their enemies. New Ageism is a branchoff of this and they totally get it wrong. New Agers do not have the ability to shoot paralyzing vines from the ground or walk on lava. Geomancers have an equipable ability that increases their attack power.

The RightEdit

So called because they are always right. Even when (especially when) they are not right, it doesn't matter, they're always right, don't distract them with facts, lalalalalalala! The 'right', or 'right-wing' is predominantly conservative on the issues, either preferring the culture to remain as it is, or better yet, go back to the good old days (reactionary) when things were better for everyone (everyone who had things better back then, that is, like conservatives). Those on the right recognize that it is a harsh, cruel, dog-eat-dog world out there, with every man for himself, and no amount of hippie-dippy, wishy-washy, bleeding heart new age magical nonsense will change that. Only Jesus can.

Fox NewsEdit

Fox is a "news" organization that employs "journalists" and "analysts" to comment on the "news". By replacing traditional facts with arbitrary opinions and biases, they have efficiently streamlined their media machine into an echo chamber, quickly profiting by monetizing the objectives of various right-wingers in the Culture War. Propagandizing aspects of the War (such as the War on Christmas, see below), groundbreaking visionaries like Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes have built a powerful media empire, and only at the expense of the facts and the discernment abilities of their once-sapient viewers.

GOPEdit

The GOP, or "Good Ol' Party", or "Gross Old Persons" are a confederation of Reptilians, cyborgs, rednecks, swamp men, rich businessmen, pastors, and former/future lobbyists who have managed to trick enough people into voting against their self interests for them. Once elected to office, they accept whatever bribes contributions they need to line their own pockets grease the wheels of democracy business-as-usual. They may seem like hypocritical, self-contradicting flip-floppers, but there is a reasonable explanation for this; they merely reflect the whims of the highest bidders from moment to moment. Constantly challenged by even more rabid right-wingers, GOP career politicians must appear to serve their base by spouting reactionary rhetoric for the cameras, appear moderate during campaigns by preaching compassion to the centrists, all while selling everyone out to the big-moneyed interests who control them. This seemingly impossible task is accomplished by blaming everything wrong on the other side, taking credit for anything good that happens, obstructing anything from happening so that nobody can get anything to either blame or take credit for, and project their own faults and biases onto their opponents. They are merely empty vessels reflecting the ideology and objectives of their paymasters.

Christian FundamentalistsEdit

Christian Fundamentalists do not want sex to be publicly acknowledged in any way, they want to defend traditional marriage as they see it, they believe wives should be subservient to their husbands, they believe all laws and establishments should follow the strictures of their holy texts, they do not prefer homosexuals to exist, they believe that atheists and other secularists are evil beings, and their ideal political system is a theocracy with their particular religion in charge. They believe and do all this because their God told them to, and to protect the integrity and sanctity of good Christian babies.

Islamic FundamentalistsEdit

Islamic Fundamentalists do not want sex to be publicly acknowledged in any way, they want to defend traditional marriage as they see it, they believe wives should be subservient to their husbands, they believe all laws and establishments should follow the strictures of their holy texts, they do not prefer homosexuals to exist, they believe that atheists and other secularists are evil beings, and their ideal political system is a theocracy with their particular religion in charge. They believe and do all this because their God told them to, and to protect the integrity and sanctity of good Muslim babies.

White MenEdit

Also known as "Men's Rights Activists", these conservative straight white men have ruled the Earth with their authoritarian power and might for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. They continue to exercise more control, make more money, own more property, control more businesses, hold more political offices, and escape more convictions than any other group. They do, however, consider any compromise to their total dominion as an affront, and would prefer if we could just set the culture back, like, Idunno, ten, twenty, fifty, maybe a hundred years. Would that be cool with everyone? No? Good.

RacistsEdit

Not all people on the right are racists. And not all racists, or those who hold racist beliefs, are solely on the right. But if there is a group of organized racists with any level of political, media or lobbying power, you bet your sweet britches that they're right-wing reactionaries.

Gun NutsEdit

Though clear-headed, responsible gun owners do not necessarily trend to the right, gun nuts certainly do. In constant fear that 'THEY' are coming for the guns, gun nuts are easy targets as the easily-manipulated customers for gun manufacturers and the lobby that represents them. Gun nuts know one particular line of the Constitution by heart, but are less likely to quote line and passage from Article I, Section 8 and Article II, Section 2 concerning military appropriation. Gun nuts are a loud minority singularly different from other gun owners, in that they are easily convinced into taking extreme positions, like selling guns to terrorists and drug cartels, requiring no sensible regulation or background checks of any kind, or arming kindergarteners. If, at any time, they begin to become more reasonable or moderate, the NRA simply stokes their one fear. Interestingly, gun nuts are not as particularly histrionic when protestors are jailed, press freedoms are squashed, or voting rights are infringed.

Tax ProtestorsEdit

Also known as 'tax evaders', these true American patriots have decided that the Constitution doesn't require them to contribute to the federal system of taxation that builds bridges, roads, highways, protects national parks, landmarks, landscapes, and provides education, military, and courts. These individuals are exempt because they have found a loophole in tax law that prevents the IRS from collecting or prosecuting (namely, that there are no tax laws). These protestors are surely never in need of police when crimes are committed against them, never advocate for military expenditures, never require legal protection in cases of theft or fraud of their personal belongings, never require a regulator ensure they are getting clean water, and never use the postal service. They are entirely soveriegn in every way.

HomophobesEdit

Though there is a healthy amount of homophobia in the hip-hop industry, otherwise it exists almost exclusively on in the Right, either for religious or manly or squeamish reasons. An ancient tome of law which is the basis for all of our laws dictates the will of God, revealing something vague about homosexuality in one of its books that contradicts other passages in the other book about loving everyone. Because our nation is constitutionally an official Christian Nation, legislators toil effortlessly to keep homosexual acts illegal and socially unacceptable. Similarly, eating shrimp, breeding Ligers, and wearing cotton/polyester blends are all outlawed as abominations. It's icky.

The 1%Edit

Not much is known about the 1%, except they are the most powerful and wealthy individuals in the galaxy. They hide in the shadows pulling strings and causing havoc wherever they can in order to perpetuate the state of chaos and death. Most 1%ers are on the right, as it is the party that always, without fail, plays into their schemes unknowingly or happily even if it gains them nothing. These are the true villains of Politics and nothing can be done. Literally, because they paid scientists and engineers to build them invincibility machines that give them godlike powers and infinite money

Ayn RandiansEdit

Objectivists are always rational. They can come up with a rational reason for anything they decide to do, even if it defies all logic. They use Objective reasoning from a completely Subjective view-point, and always do what's best for themselves, even if it destroys Villages, Cities, Countries, or even international economies such as in Asia or North America, . The most powerful Randian the world has ever known is Alan Greenspan.

ReaganomistsEdit

Reagan was right and not wrong. Every bad thing that happened after his presidential tenure was the fault of his predecessors. Fuck these guys and their stupid dumbshit disease infested vaginas that deserve to be penetrated with rusty SOS pads and sharp metal files.

Other/Unaffiliated/UnalignedEdit

AnarchistsEdit

LibertariansEdit

TerroristsEdit

Grammar NazisEdit

Generally refuse to argue a point, and insted correct spelling and grammar errors, most of which are dirty tricks with which to trick you, created by their Gramaryan elders. 

TrollsEdit

Might be smarter than you, and probably have some form of assburgers. Their talents can range from spamming you with variations of the phrase "GHEY NI99UR FAGET" to completely destroying your mental status, and everything in between. It is wise to never feed a troll. Sometimes otherwise normal people can replicate troll behavior by "trying to make a point." Mostly harmless, some have been known to reveal detailed personal information about other people, also known as doxxing, sending swat teams to their home, known as swatting, or a number of other dangerous or annoying pranks.

AnonymousEdit

They really fucking hate yellow vans04:45

They really fucking hate yellow vans.

They can guess your stupid passwords, and they really fucking hate yellow vans.

Fashion PoliceEdit

I can't believe you're wearing that. That shade is from like six seasons ago. You're totally a summer; and those colors would look better on an autumn. You're too pear shaped to shop in this boutique. You're too V-shaped to shop in this boutique. We don't have anything that large. White? After Labor Day?

The MobEdit

ChildrenEdit

Before children are recruited into a The Left or The Right (see above). Naturally anarchistic in their ways, they don't give a shit about the rules because they don't even know what rules all. Nearly every children between the ages of 2 and 7 is Aewsome, and they are more than capable of destroying any argument made by either side of the Culture War.

The RevengeristsEdit

The Revengerists are the fighters of crime and evil. Although cultural mores tend to determine what is good and what is evil, The Revengerists and many vigeliantes like them do not give a shit, man. They play by their own rules.

ScienceEdit

The scientific method, skepticism, and critical thinking are not by default on any one side of the culture war. Whether a scientician, statistician, investigator or alchemist, their main pursuit is the TRUTH. The truth, however, does have a well-known liberal bias.

DogsEdit

Don't give a fuck, just want a steak, 2 shots of tequilla, 2 limes, and some belly rubs.

BattlesEdit

Traditional MarriageEdit

For as long as any good christian american can remember, marriage has always been between a man and a woman. Any other deviation from that sacred combination is sacrilege, heretical, and a danger to us all. In fact if a man and a man or a woman and a woman are allowed to marry then the earth will split in twain and every person on earth will burn alive. 

Reasons why changing the political and legal definition of marriage is bad:

- It will endanger straight marriage, like a supernatural force or something will make them divorce.

- You need a mommy and a daddy: two fathers or two mothers or even, god forbid, several mothers and fathers will cause the kid to grow up as a deviant serial killer who also rapes children and dogs and cats and will give AIDS to everyone

- God will smite us

- If homosexuals can marry, then what next? A man and a dog? A woman and a goose? A leprechaun and a clown? FUCK!

Separation of Church and StateEdit

Certain groups wish to use the law to enforce their morally superior rules and regulations. They surmise that since the United States is a country originally colonized by people escaping religious persecution, should persecute people of differing religious beliefs or non-belieif with their narrowly defined "morals."

Other groups don't think the government shoud kow-tow to any deity, and just deal with the nuts & bolts of the natural world instead of the supernatural. These small-government whack-jobs would rather let people murder at will and eat babies and let God strike down upon us with great vengeance and furious anger, because of those who attempt to poison and destroy God's children than be normal God-fearing people. But they will know the name of the Lord when He lays down His vengeance upon us.

ChristmasEdit

Admitting that several religions have a holy day on or around December 25 is an assult to Santa Claus, because Jesus is the Reason for these low low prices & gift receipts!

SexEdit

DrugsEdit

MusicEdit

Video GamesEdit

PornographyEdit

AbortionEdit

Civil RightsEdit

TacticsEdit

Race-BaitingEdit

SexismEdit

Slut-ShamingEdit

HypocrisyEdit

Logical FallaciesEdit

Celebrity EndorsementsEdit

Talking HeadsEdit

Not the musical group.

ActivismEdit

Occupy, Tea Party

LobbyingEdit

Outright LyingEdit

Gawker Site Opinion ColumnsEdit

Hey, Gawker, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DUMB OPINIONS, MAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP.

Scoring PointsEdit

In Culture War your objective is to demolish the other opposing viewpoint, the more you preserve your own image the higher your overall grade. There are three separate point arenas to compete in:

War PointsEdit

ImageEdit

Scoring Points:Edit

Less points for less accepted opinions. Several points if you hit a baby, several dozen points if you hit a bus full of children. A maximum of five thumbs up. Plus or minus stars depending on the difficulty of the culture war strategy

Negative points if that baby is a minority. Several million points if it is a minority baby but you were defending your gun rights via self-defense.

Flip-flops result in either negative points, but may become positive points in the future

Every talking point is rated at one point, unless PolitiFact rates it as 'False' to "Pants on Fire' lying, in which case it is worth anywhere between ten to a thousand points.

There is a combo multiplier for points if the person getting them is on your side, even if they are doing/saying something against your beliefs/interests.

If you don't have a side, you forfeit all points and the right to vote.

In the event of rain or a police action, the Game is called in favor of 'the Right' due to 'Act of God' unless a makeup game can be scheduled that isn't a double header. If such a game is swept in sudden death, the winners all get free tickets to the 'Ducky Ride Tours' in any city of their choice that has them.

All points have no value in the eyes of God, Drew Carey, and an unfeeling empty Cosmos.

and then there should be a table of things that grant bonus points or multipliers, like having your event at a "Town Hall,' eating an 'All-American Cheeseburger', being 'Pro-business', denouncing the French, surviving an extramarital affair, etc.

Having a scandal during the CULTURE WAR results in a HYPOCRISY, which grants negative points in the eyes of the opposing side, but has no effect whatsoever in the eyes of those on your own side.

"Fielding this group in a culture match costs 1800 points"

It is assumed, no matter what side you are on, that it is ethically acceptable to bomb brown people on the other side of the globe using flying death robots. This is, in fact, the halftime show that never ends.

NotesEdit

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