The Gospels According to Nate is a drastically different interpretation of the books of the bible and the life of Jesus (said to be the Son of God) between 0-33A.D. Nate, or Nathan, or Nathaniel, or Nathradamus, wrote what is largely regarded as apocryphal works either a] at the contemporaneous time of Jesus of Nazareth in the early Imperivm era of the Roman Empire, b] in the some 200-1,000 years afterwards during the martyrdom of the early saints, the dissemination of the Christian religion, and structuring of the Catholic Church post-Constantine, or c] last Thursday at the copy center until they kicked him out at closing and because he smelled like eels and old wine.
About the Author: Nathan The Wright has no sense of context, and after writing meticulously each of his stories and predictions, threw them into a random heap upon the floor, burning many. Nathan seems to have no relevancy to anything even seemingly relevant. Much like the inhabitants of hell (but in Nate's case, a telemarketing firm), who can see the past and future but not the present, Nathan makes arbitrary statements that later scholars recognized as philosophical, theological, and even intelligible.
Worst of all, his ill-conceived, out-of-context statements were yelled out during lunch hours for all passersby to hear, such as the oblivious, "Who wouldn't put their hand in there?" or "that's the biggest one I've ever seen" or “I keep a small boy in a cave!” as he also has no senses of proportion, propriety, or volume (upon further thought, perhaps that last one was not acceptable in any context). If it weren’t for the constraints of his job (as a telemarketer), he would stand upon the nearest street corner and profess his paralogistical dogma to the world. Clearly, as you will read, no constraints of morality or sanity would prevent this. He's just so damn busy as it is.
It has also been theorized that there was no Nate, but instead a cabal of dissenting gnostics, pagans and demogorgons, who somehow escaped the thousands of years of hunting down, persecution, torture, inquisition, and murder by the hands of good merciful Christians. It has also been theorized by some that there is in fact no God, but as this theory would be ridiculous, we will not entertain it here.
The "many Nates" hypothesis has been offered to solve apparent paradoxes in the voice of the narrative and could explain how many events are described long past the point of any one person's lifetime. Others have suggested that Nate is a sham, writing in the Contemporary Era (Contemporera). Still others assume that this diverse style and over-arching historical perspective is due to Nate's self-proclaiming himself an 'open lease' for angels, demons, the voice of God, astral travelers, aliens, quantum leapers, and shadow people, you know, basically anybody. The prevailing wisdom, however, is that Nate himself is an immortal.
His thematic approach to the Bible is largely gnostic and agnostic, skeptical and sometimes even heretically atheistic:
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light, unless you are delusional and no such Lord exists, in which case, never mind, my bad. 1 Nate 2:9 "
But at other interpretations of many passages are also hyperfundamentalist in their approach:
"Burn each and every one, whether they be believer or not, and ye shall see the Kingdom of Heaven before them."
Thus is is unclear and indeed impossible to determine if Nate is an atheist lampooning fundamental Christianity, or a fundamentalist condemning nonbelievers in the shrillest screed. More than likely, Nate is a paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from philosophy anxiety and cannot hold the same worldview for more than ten seconds at a time. He is considered armed and dangerous.
Unlike most other world religions, including both Christianity and Satanism, there is no Golden Rule in the Gospels According to Nate. The closest is this interpretation of the words of Jesus, which state: "Do unto others what others deserve, for they are deserving of plenty."
Prayer is given short shrift in his treatise, as Nate writes "One would do better doing it thine own self, as God helps Godself at the expense of God's children."
The Gospels[]
The large tome itself is constantly being subjected to reinterpretations, additions, deletions, transformations, transmigrations, and transmogrifications, which was encouraged by the author. For he writes "Hesoever who taketh these tome seriously shall be offended by mine gauntlet, and mine sword, and mine aluminum baseball bat, and mine knuckles adorned of brass, and mine..." etc. this goes on for some time.
Most of the passages are reinterpretations of other well-known Bible verses. The author contends that his is the true and original meaning, with others ripping him off like "cowardly pissants" and "thieving buzzards." At times, however, it seems that Nate has never even read the other versions of the Bible, or only has a loose acquaintanceship with its contents. Regardless, many people [source?] consider the wisdom in the Gospels of Nate to be much more useful to their lives than the mainstream Christian theology. Including:
“Smoteth each and every child, spake God, for God was very bored.” “If it should offend you kick it. Kick it hard. Kick it harder than its mother ever kicked it before!” “If thine shall cutteth off thine hand if it sins against you, so too must ye Biteth your tongue as punishment for misspeaking -- thine body thrives on constancy.”
"You could die today, so at least try to have sex with someone." Nate's Psalms, 3:14 “Love must transcend the universe in order for there to be a God. So far it doesn't.” “God spake, saying, WHO WOULD WANT TO SAVE THIS??”
"And Abraham replied, 'what do you want?'" “The meerkats shall take over the Earth.” Nate's Psalms, 37:11 “And the Lord spake, saying, Tide gets brights brighter and whites whiter.”
"God said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life', but John came fifth and won a toaster."
"I am thy God of thine ancestors of thy people of the Book of my Word of thine God and mine Word is the LAW " “Thou shalt keep the Sabbath by staying at home watching football. To clarify; Sunday=Football.” “For on that hour the Lord shall return, saying, I RECKON THAT NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE RECKONING!” “This is all your fault, Ian. It's always Ian's fault. Damn you, Ian. Damn you and all your base to hell.”
Nate also uses dialectic dialogues to place Christian stories and principles under harsh (and arguably unfair) criticism, such as in the Books of Genesis and Job. As his foil, Nate often uses the entirely fictional person of Betsy A., a hardcore conservative bible-thumping fundamentalist, which is a common enough name that nobody could accuse him of having some other reason for using it, and thus sued for likeness rights. You hear that, Betsy? Your name is common!
Interpretations of the Book of Genesis[]
Betsy: Marijuana was made by the devil.
Nate: Didn't God make everything in the Garden of Eden?
Betsy: Yes. But God also made the devil.
Nate: I have a problem believing that God would create an arch-nemesis, because I do not want to believe that the creator of all the cosmos is that moronic.
In Nate's version, the Devil is a much more sympathetic character (or at least lovable asshole) who argues with God on fairness; ultimately as a trick because his own power is waning and not nearly as strong as God's to begin with. God decides, in all fairness, to not directly influence man as the Devil can on Earth, but to instead filter Godly voice through seven choirs of heavenly angels, hundreds and even thousands of years of prophecy, and a complex bureaucracy of papacy. Nathan also uses this book to contend that in the first Seven Days, amongst light, all of physics, matter, energies, and life, God also spent an inordinate amount of time creating pudding, smoothies, and pie. It was only at the end of the week, "with Holy universe-creatin' powers maxed out" that God created man. So it can be understood that mistakes were inevitable. Then, only after resting, God powers fully reinvigorated, did God proceed to create women.
Nate goes on to detail the legal definition of entrapment, as well as the hypocrisy of original sin as a reason for killing your only son. This is much more in keeping with the rhetoric of said heavenly arch-nemesis, Al Pacino.
God later sees that one in ten humans is born without a conscience, and thus, thinking it must be genetic, floods the Earth to cover up God's own shitty handiwork. But of course it wasn't until long after this that God writes down the rules that the humans were (supposedly) previously 'breaking', in easy to digest tablet form. Nate's Gospels expound poetically on the unfairness of such retroactive 'ex post facto' punishment.
Interpretations of the Book of Job[]
I am who am, and I do what I want, bitch. -God to Job, before inflicting him with boils for no reason.
Betsy: This book strengthens my faith in God.
Nate: The fact that God can take anything and everything you've ever loved away from you for being loyal to him so God can win a pointless dare with the Devil strengthens your relationship?
Betsy: ....yes.
Nate: You dolt.
(if Nate seems cruel, bullying, smart-mouthed or pedantic to Betsy at times, it is important to remember that she is a small-minded anti-Semite)
"Jesus said unto them, 'eh My wife...'"
New Testament[]
after defeating and fusing with robot Shaft
While Nate erroneously uses 'Gospel' to refer to his entire version of the Bible, he never uses the terms Old Testament or New Testament at all, calling the Old Testament by each book alone (and largely calling it 'hogwash' even as he claims it is his own original invention), and titling the New Testament 'The Unbelievably Incredible Further Chronicles of Jesus!', again utilizing a word 'further; that implies previous stories while simultaneously purporting to be the originator of the intellectual property. Nate confusingly alternates between claiming Jesus is a fictional character (his fictional character, specifically, for which he is owed massive royalties), or a real historical figure that he witnessed and chronicled, which would fall under Fair Use.
Additional hidden gospel apocrypha insists that Christ was not only married, but married... with children!
In this "fifth gospel", Joseph and Aseneth, are code for Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The two were supposedly married by the Pharaoh of Egypt and had two sons.
"There is now written evidence that Jesus was married to Mary the Magdalene and that they had children together. … Gathering dust in the British Library is a document that takes us into the missing years of Jesus's life," the book states.
He contends in this illustrated version that Jesus has incredible Awesomepowers from birth, obliterating people many times left and right before learning to control these in the Far East by a surviving Ancient Dragon Lord, and is eventually betrayed by time-travelingninja Judas Iscariot, who shoots him with his KISS-OF-DEEAATH' laser arm cannonattack.
Jesus not only rose from the grave on the third day (after he was killed), but was a holy/unholy zombie-vampire bent on destroying all sinners and predators with his incredible powers over life and death. Many were consumed or destroyed, including countless innocents in the initial centuries of madness. Surviving well into the present day and future, Jesus is present and instrumental in the events of the Roman Empire, Julias Gaius Caesar's assassination, the forming and dissolution of the Knight's Templar, King Arthur's Court, and battles with George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic during tha FUNKY nineteen-seventies.
in his most powerful form, all he could say is 'CRYSTAAALS!'
At some point, Jesus learns several new techniques, such as Jedi Mind powers, fish-and-loaves attack, fusion, going super-Saiyan, eventually becoming Mecha-Jesus (which cures his zombivampirism) and then has adventures in space where he fuses with useless space crystals to become Space Jesus. He later (earlier?) decides to time travel around and meet all sorts of crazy individuals like Moses Wan Kenobi and Buddha, who saw him coming. Way to know shit Buddha.
He also defeats the alien emissary Genghis Khan, transforms into various animals (such as the holy cow) both on the Ark and to fool the Israelites while they waited at the bottom of Mt. Ararat, beats the Grim Reaper on multiple occasions, gets the high score, knocks over the stands of the pornography peddlers in the temple, is frozen in Carbonite in the future, and eats a sandwich.
"And Ninja Judas Iscariot approached the rabbis of the Pharisees saying, 'the one whom I kiss is the one you seek', and the Pharisees responded, 'gaaaaaay!'"
Jesus could be a bit of a dick like he told people to pay their taxes but when he had to pay his taxes he told the tax collectors to wait while Peter went fishing all day to collect magic coins from the mouths of fishes. He would kind of do that and treat people like NPCs in a weird game.
FIST OF JESUS - Help us to make a feature film at www.fistofjesus.com
RAMPAGING JESUS[]
Jesus was known to flip shit and go whole ass ham on some fool sometimes like just beat them with shit for spreading their slimy capitalist pigdog wares onto his autonomous religious turf. He would demand his enemies turn their cheeks so he could kick their faces in, all while bulked up and exuding gamma radiation that would burn the faces of any Nazis nearby. He started a lot of fires this way.
When he was a kid, he could kill animals with a thought and bring them back for kicks. Sometimes, he didn't bring them back. He would also use his powers to make assholes think they were going crazy, or to incite public opinion against them. One time he got pissed off at a tree and made the tree barren because he was hangry.
This other time he had just battled a demon but he needed somewhere to banish a demon and didn't feel like conjuring a hell portal or traveling to a nexus but he saw a parcel of pigs nearby and made the demon inhabit the pigs because fuck them right? Well the demon pigs ran off a cliff but their demon pig ghosts haunted that land for thousands of years and some say you can still hear their plaintive squeals in the night rising from the jagged rocks below.
Jesus did heal people including lame people and blind people but he spit in their eyes when really all he had to do was think or wave his hand or something.
The most blind person that Jesus ever healed was Bartimaeus, and the lamest person that he ever healed was you.
Revelations[]
death to false Power Rangers
Nate's Book of Revelations, in which he emphasizes the 'S' (to one-up the 'poser Bible for only having one Revelation' as he writes), is full of horrific imagery and lacking much of the symbology of the original. The symbols it does employ make little semantical or contextual sense; "...and I looked up and I saw a hairy biped riding a moose, and thrashing wildly for no apparent reason, as if possessed with epileptic energy, foaming and spitting on every person in the world, dead or alive, and demanding to know where his gnomes were hiding...."
Some of the symbols are so perplexing that scholars have spent centuries trying to work out their meaning, which have become more relevant and clear in recent times, such as "an Yea, I shall say unto you that there will be a Wiggly Pig and inside the pig of wiggles is a man and inside that man is a drink made of energies and the man wears not pants, nor wants of them, and this land shall be known as Florida, and this man will be a man of that place." Not all of the revelations are all that... revelatory.
Nate describes a future in which "every man, woman, robot, child and dog shall be forsibly utilized in the butthole by Satan's spiked, fiery-lava prick, and thine skin made to explode, and thine fingernails bent back, and each hair plucked, and thine nipples sliced with papercuts, and thine eyeballs run like slick juices down thine screaming face, and thine genitals slit longways, and you like that don't you... yeah, you do..." etc. These scrolls grow increasingly disturbing, apocalyptic, and sticky.
These predictions are said to come to pass "when no one knows the time or hour, as they least expect it, God works in mysterious ways, but it might just as easily be on the morrow, so stay on your toes, God likes it when you're scared..."
He claims that everyone will be made to suffer, and nobody gets into heaven in the end, because God is a prick.
He always spoke in riddles and expected you to figure that shit out like some Obi-Wan JediBullshit. It's more likely that 'God works in mysterious ways' because God is making it up as God goes along, like the Creator or some shit.
Miscellany[]
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Nate's Gospels are interspersed with random personal stories, such as when Gabriel (in actuality not the archangel, but rocker Peter Gabriel) tries to kill him by causing a pane of glass to explode near his face.
There are also several short stories involving super mummies that seem to have little if anything to do with the Bible, the life of Jesus, God, or even Nate himself. It is possible that these were works of pulp fiction written by Nate on the side that may have been shuffled in with the other scrolls accidentally.
The Gospels also contain original recipes for Angel Food Cake, Devil's Food Cake, Deviled Eggs, the Broodwich, and Shake N' Bake. The results of these recipes have been described by Jacques Pepin as 'passable.'
The Gospels According to Nate ends with a cliffhanger, and may someday get a poorly done sequel, but expert theologans agree that too much time has passed for any screenwriter or director to attempt such a project, and it is generally unfilmable. It is mentioned, however, wedged between passages in Revelations about donkey nuts and mass murder, that the entire Gospel (and perhaps universe) will see a reboot in the future that is actually technically better in every way but will still be poorly received by 'the fans'. Fans of the universe are generally understood to mean the mortal inhabitants of this plane, because Nate describes them as such in many other passages.
Coming Soon: The Talmud According to Nate, the Quran According to Nate, the Book of Mormon According to Nate, the Tao of Nate, Dianetics According to Nate, and Chicken Soup for Nate.
