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The Mystery Slacker

By being inquisitive of this page you have opened up the mystery dimension. In order to escape you must solve the mystery herein. Otherwise you will always be here in the mystery dimension. In the mystery dimension, mysteries abound and each mystery only seems to unravel more mysteries than you solve.
You are in a room that is completely bricked in on all four sides with cement steel, including the ceiling and floor. There are no windows, no doors, and you are locked from the inside but the key is in the lock on the other side. You have nothing but a movable wooden table with a rock, a piano, a calendar, a baseball bat, a wooden ruler, a ball of string, a paper clip, a poster on the wall, a magnet, a waterbed, two coins dated 46 B.C. which equal 35 cents (and one of them is not a dime), and a gold pocket mirror on it with no reflection. The clock has no number indication and was five minutes fast. Without winding, it chimes once for each half hour, once for one o'clock, twice for two o'clock, thrice for three o'clock, etc. There is a steel pipe 25 centimeters in length cemented into the centre of the concrete floor protruding 15 centimeters with a ping pong ball inside and a fraction of a centimeter clearance around the ping pong ball.
A mummy as been stabbed by a Cyanide-poisoned icicle with only one set of footprints leading to the body, a puddle of water and broken glass, and fresh powder burns on the chest and a small chip out of the railing where the snow had been brushed away. The mummy's head rests on the keys of his tape recorder with the tape rewound, lying in a pool of blood with a small hand gun to it's right next to a left-handed suicide note written in German and a pen in it's right hand. The suicide was punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. All four walls face South, and a bear passing by covers his nose with the sun casting his shadow towards the house. The building is red, its A-shaped roof is red, the rooster on the roof is red, the eggs it lays are red, the ground is red, the walls are red, the couch is red, the kitchen is red, the sink is red, the fridge is red, the cabinets is red, the closets is red, the clothes insides of them are red, the carpet is red, the floors are red, the lamps are red, the television are red, even what is on the television is red, the restroom is red, the toilet is red, the water is red, the tub is red, the mirror is red. The street outside is black with every streetlight gone out with a black car with both headlights out and a black dog in the black street. Along the street there were three crates, one marked bananas, one marked cherries, one marked cherries and bananas, but you know that all of them are incorrecty labeled. You must stack these crates up in order of greatest to least in order to get across the log over a small river with a sack of lettuce, a fox and a rabbit, but can only cross the log with one at a time. In two years the fox will be twice as old as it was five years ago, and the fox's son is his son's father. You discover inside the sack of lettuce a note which reads; MNXRLT4U. There is a hollowed tree stump full of corn nearby a pear tree with 24 branches that each has 12 boughs that each have 6 twigs that bear one plum each. They grow 12 different varieties.
A train had passed by this spot going East an hour earlier at approximately 6:30 p.m. headed 90 kph from Montreal to Toronto. Two sets of train tracks run parallel to each other, except for a short distance where they meet and become one track over a narrow bridge. On the edge of the bridge the gun was connected by a rope to a large weight and a hat on the end of the muzzle. The heavy weight fell from a height of 45 inches more rapidly through water at 40 degrees Fahrenheit than 20 degrees Farenheit. The masked men chased after you, turning right, then straight ahead, then left, straight, left again, running even faster, left once more and straight until home. On your back is an unopened parachute pack of wolves, one of which was the type of thing called Updog.
At the fork in the road was a house where two siamese twins lived, one who always told the truth and one who always lies. The temperature was below freezing, so coming in out of the snow, your perscription sunglassses are fogged over. The twins had a newspaper, a fireplace, some kindling, and a kerosene lamp. They owned fewer than 100 camels, or 100 camels, but at least one camel. They both claimed to come from an island where natives tell lies every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and the other days speak the truth, while island visitors lie on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and the other days of the week speak the truth. On the island is treasure, but only if they are telling you the truth. 5% of all the people living in the town have unlisted phone numbers. A wise woman with six sons lived on a hill overlooking the town who compelled youths to kill birds in front of her. The woman married ten different men from the town, yet none of them died, she never divorced, and never broke any laws. In that green village, there is no light but there is brightness. There is no black but there is blackness. There is school but no people. There is grass but no flowers. There are mirrors but no reflections. There are apples but no bananas, and there are carriages but no babies. Yes, we have no bananas.
There is a car rolling in reverse downhill on the wrong side of the road. The car has two wheels but someone let some air out of the tires. You will run out of arrows at midnight. The six brothers dig half a hole full of dirt into a barrel weighing 20 kilograms to get it to weigh less. Each of the brothers had one sister. They decided to bury the survivors on the border. Using the displacement of a boat, they measured a pound of gold against a pound of feathers. There were six outs per inning and four three-cent stamps in a dozen.
So...
How will you escape the cannibals?

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