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You will hear a lot of people around the internet claiming that this food or that food are SuperFoods, based on their idiotic criteria such as high nutrient or phytochemical content, or lacking saturated fats or artificial ingredients, food additives or GMO contaminants. These claims range from conferring unspecified or ill-defined health benefits to magical properties such as polyphenol supplemental herbatronic herbal homeopathic alternative shamanic all-natural whole food green cures.

This, like 80-90% of all dietary claims or advice is in the realm of Complete Bullshit. And of course it is! I mean think about it. Just because you ate a few blueberries, then all the sudden your body is supposed to go against thousands of years of genetic inheritance and overcome cancerous cells and heart disease? It's outrageous! Very seldom does metabolic evolution work in just this way. And only a relative handful of foods actually have superpower generating capabilities.

PizzaSlit600 Micael-Reynaud

mutant pizza is SUPER

The Revengerists (notably South Side Santa and Jim Vivas, working under the scientific observation of Commodore Bob and Harbjar) have spent several days or even hours investigating which foods are indeed SUPER. The following are the only proven SUPERFOODS:

  • Bacon
  • Waffles
  • Ice scream sandwiches
  • Capicola ham
  • Pie
  • Fried chicken
  • Maple syrup
  • Garlic
  • BBQ Meats and all kinds of ribs
  • Roast Beef
  • Pastrami
  • S'mores
  • Pepperoni
  • Bananas Foster
  • Crab rangoon
  • Andouille sausage
    Film concours donut
  • Collard greens
  • Donuts (especially Krispy Kremes if the light is on)
  • the Luther Burger
  • Lobster rolls
  • Chocolate-covered raisins
  • Skyline Chili
  • Chicharones
  • Beignets
  • French fries
  • Veal (Santa theorizes this is because it died young, and its tears add more power), but especially if it is Parmigiana or Piccata
  • Smoothies
  • Buffalo chicken wings
  • Candied yams
  • Wendy's Frosties
  • Parmesan cheese
  • Muenster cheese
  • Bleu cheese
  • Fresh Mozzarella cheese
  • Sharp cheddar cheese
  • Wait. Most cheese actually. All cheeses. Until proven otherwise
  • Strong, black coffee
  • sushi
  • Lamb chops
  • a piled-high plate of deep-fried gator
  • Fried bologna
  • Stuffed mushrooms
  • Oreos
  • Crawfish
  • Steaks
  • giant turkey legs
  • Coincidentally, blueberries and salmon are super-foods, but not for the reasons that alternative "medicine" practitioners claim, and only if eaten together
  • Hoagies, grinders, blimps, subs, and heros
  • Alcohol
  • Cheddar biscuits
  • Churros
  • Zebra cakes
  • White Castle sliders
  • Super Burritos
  • Peanut Butter Nanner Sandwiches
  • Fried puffs of anything
  • "Special" Brownies
  • Chili Cheese Fries
  • Senzu Beans
  • Avocados
  • Brisket
  • Venison
  • Hawaiian food
  • Butter
  • Gumbo
  • Shark fin
  • Duck -fat fried Tater-Tots
  • Lumpia
  • Kebabs
  • Dumplings
  • potato salad
  • Anchovies
  • a stack of pancakes as tall as you are
  • beef jerky
  • Stuffed potato skins
  • Cheesesteaks
  • Oranges
  • Meatballs
  • Shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried shrimp, deep fried shrimp, stir-fried shrimp, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich
  • Prosciutto
  • cranberries (but only if they are in the cylindrical shape of the can they came out of)
  • Cinnamon pinwheels
  • Bagel with cream cheese, capers and lox
  • Nachos

After eating mass quantities of the above foods, our Revengerist researchers declared that they felt super. They barely touched or didn't even bother with foods such as asparagus, squash, plain oatmeal, or hazelnuts.


Notes:Edit

All pies were found to be Superfoods, but only most cakes. Therefore, in a March Madness bracket-type tournament, Pies will always win. This may be because the cake is a lie.
Special Note to that Note: This portion of testing had to be undertaken while Dr. Tasty was not in the base, otherwise he would have eaten aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of the pies.
Jim Vivas was selected because he a) is the arbiter of all things Awesome and 2) among his many abilities, is a Super-TasterSanta, conversely, was selected because he barely has any sense of taste. Seriously, he's burned out so many taste buds with nosebleeds and piles of salt that it requires only the most overpowering flavors to get through'!
Eating meat, it is theorized, gives the consumer the power of the dead and vanquished. So eating cow gives you the power of cow + the power of the grass they ate. It is always preferable, then, to eat carnivores higher up on the food chain, to gain the most power; shark + seal + fish + plankton = MORE POWER!!!
Special Note to that Note: This does not always work; eating frog, for example, will not give you the proportional leaping ability of a frog. It just makes you French.
Special Note from our Notary: It is not necessarily the best idea to eat raw food such as sushi, raw beef, and raw chicken. Only the most awesome bellies can handle a diet such as this, which does indeed make them more powerful, but the unworthy who attempt dis lifestyle die of excruciating gut worms.
Burritos are super foods only if they are Super Burritos.
Many foods can be made MORE super, such as with the Awesome powers of Frying or BBQing.