The Gospels According to Nate is a drastically different interpretation of the books of the bible and the life of Jesus (said to be the Son of God) between 0-33A.D. Nate, or Nathan, or Nathaniel, or Nathradamus, wrote what is largely regarded as apocryphal works either a] at the contemporary time of Jesus of Nazareth in the early Imperivm era of the Roman Empire, b] in the some 200-1,000 years afterwards during the martyrdom of the early saints, the dissemination of the Christian religion, and structuring of the Catholic Church post-Constantine, or c] last Thursday at the copy center until they kicked him out at closing and because he smelled like eels and old wine.
About the AuthorEdit
About the Author: Nathan The Wright has no sense of context, and after writing meticulously each of his stories and predictions, threw them into a random heap upon the floor, burning many. Nathan seems to have no relevancy to anything even seemingly relevant. Much like the inhabitants of hell (but in Nate's case, an art school), who can see the past and future but not the present, Nathan makes arbitrary statements that later scholars recognized as philosophical , theological, and even intelligible. Worst of all, his ill-conceived, out-of-context statements were yelled out during lunchtime for all passersby to hear, such as the oblivious, “I keep a small boy in a cave and molest him!” as he also has no senses of proportion, propriety, or volume (upon further thought, perhaps that was not acceptable in any context). If it weren’t for the constraints of both his education and his job (respectively, as art student and telemarketer), he would stand upon the nearest street corner and profess his paralogistical dogma to the world. Clearly, as you will read, no constraints of morality or sanity would prevent this. He's just so damn busy as it is.
It has also been theorized that there was no Nate, but instead a cabal of dissenting gnostics, pagans and jews, who somehow escaped the thousands of years of hunting down, persecution, torture, inquisition, and murder by the hands of good merciful Christians. It has also been theorized by some that there is in fact no God, but as this theory would be ridiculous, we will not entertain it.
Voice and StyleEdit
The "many Nates" hypothesis has been offered to solve apparent paradoxes in the voice of the narrative and could explain how many events are described long past the point of any one person's lifetime. Others have suggested that Nate is a sham, writing in the contemporary era (contemporera). Still others assume that this diverse style and over-arching historical perspective is due to Nate's self-proclaiming himself an 'open lease' for angels, demons, the voice of God, astral travelers, aliens, quantum leapers, and shadow people. The prevailing wisdom, however, is that Nate himself is an immortal.
The thematic approach to the Bible is largely gnostic and agnostic, skeptical and sometimes even heretically atheistic:
- "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light, unless you are delusional and no such Lord exists, in which case, never mind, my bad. 1 Peter 2:9 "
But at other interpretations of many passages are also hyperfundamentalist in their approach:
- "Burn each and every one, whether they be believer or not, and ye shall see the Kingdom of Heaven first."
Thus is is unclear and indeed impossible to deterine if Nate is an athiest lampooning fundamental Christianity, or a fundamentalist condemning nonbelievers. More than likely, Nate is a paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from philosophy anxiety and cannot hold the same worldview for more than ten seconds at a time. He is considered armed and dangerous.
Unlike most other world religions, including both Christianity and Satanism, there is no Golden Rule in the Gospels According to Nate. The closest is this interpretation of the words of Jesus, which state: "Do unto others what others deserve, for they are deserving of plenty." Prayer is given short shrift in his treatment, as Nate writes "One would do better doing it thine own self, as God helps His own self at the expense of his children."
The large tome itself is constantly being subjected to reinterpretations, additions, deletions, tranformations, transmigrations, and transmogrifications, which was encouraged by the author. For he writes "Hesoever who taketh these seriously shall be offended by mine gauntlet, and mine sword, and mine aluminum baseball bat, and mine..." etc. this goes on for some time.
Most of the passages are reinterpretations of other well-known Bible verses. The author contends that his is the true and original meaning, with others ripping him off like "cowardly pissants" and "thieving buzzards." At times, however, it seems that Nate has never even read the other versions of the Bible, or only has a loose acquaintance with its contents. Regardless, many consider the wisdom in the Gospels of Nate to be much more useful to their lives than the mainstream Christian Bible. Including:
- “Smoteth each and every child, spake God, for He was very bored.”
“If it should offend you kick it. Kick it hard. Kick it harder than its mother ever kicked it before!”
“Sometimes biteth your tongue as punishment for speaking, which is still better than cutting off your hand if it sins against you-- thine body thrives on constancy.”
- "You could die today, so at least try to have sex with someone." Psalms, 3:14
“Love must transcend the universe in order for there to be a God. So far it doesn't.”
“God spake, saying, WHO WOULD WANT TO SAVE THIS??”
- "And Abraham replied, 'what do you want?'"
“The meerkats shall take over the Earth.” Psalms, 37:11
“And the Lord spake, saying, Tide gets brights brighter and whites whiter.”
- "God said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life', but John came fifth and won a toaster."
- "I am thy God of thine ancestors of thy people of the Book of my Word of thine God and mine Word is the LAW "
“Thou shalt keep the Sabbath by staying at home watching football. To clarify; Sunday=Football.”
“For on that hour the Lord shall return, saying, I RECKON THAT NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE RECKONING!”
“This is all your fault, Ian. It's always Ian's fault. Damn you, Ian. Damn you and all your base to hell.”
Nate also uses dialectic dialogues to place Christian stories and principles under harsh (and arguably unfair) criticism, such as in the Books of Genesis and Job. As his foil, Nate often uses the entirely fictional person of Betsy A., a hardcore conservative bible-thumping fundamentalist, which is a common enough name that nobody could accuse him of having some other reason for using it, and thus sued for likeness rights. You hear that, Betsy? Your name is common! Like common harlots!
Interpretations of the Book of GenesisEdit
- Betsy: Marijuana was made by the devil.
- Nate: Didn't God make everything in the Garden of Eden?
- Betsy: Yes. But God also made the devil.
- Nate: I have a problem believing that God would create his own arch-nemesis, because I do not want to believe that the creator of all the cosmos is a retard.
Nate goes on to detail the legal definition of entrapment, as well as the hypocrisy of original sin as a reason for killing your only son. This is in keeping with the rhetoric of said heavenly arch-nemesis, Al Pacino.
God later sees that one in ten humans is born without a conscience, and thus, thinking is must be genetic, floods the Earth to cover up his own shitty handiwork. But of course it wasn't until long after this that he writes down the rules that they were (supposedly) breaking, in easy to digest tablet form.
Interpretations of the Book of JobEdit
I am who am, and I do what I want, bitch. -God to Job, before inflicting him with boils for no reason.
- Betsy: This book strengthens my faith in God.
- Nate: The fact that God can take anything and everything you've ever loved away from you for being loyal to him so He can prove a point to the Devil strengthens your relationship with him?
- Betsy: ....yes.
- Nate: You dolt.
(if Nate seems cruel, bullying, smartmouth or pedantic to Betsy at times, it is important to remember that she is a small-minded anti-Semite, anyway)
New TestamentEditWhile Nate erroneously uses 'Gospel' to refer to his entire version of the Bible, he never uses the terms Old Testament or New Testament at all, calling the Old Testament by each book alone, and titling the New Testament 'The Unbelievably Incredible Further Chronicles of Jesus!'
He contends in this illustrated version that Jesus has incredible Awesome powers from birth, obliterating people many times left and right before learning to control these in the Far East by a surviving Ancient Dragon Lord, and is eventually betrayed by time-travelling ninja Judas Iscariot, who shoots him with his KISS-OF-DEEAATH' laser arm cannon attack.
Additinal hidden gospel apocrypha insists that Christ was not only married but married... with children!
Jesus not only rose from the grave on the third day, but was a holy/unholy zombie-vampire bent on destroying all sinners with his incredible powers over life and death. Surviving well into the present day and future, Jesus is present and instrumental in the events of the Roman Empire, Julias Gaius Caesar's assassination, the forming and dissolution of the Knight's Templar, King Arthur's Court, and battles with George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic during tha FUNKY nineteen-seventies.At some point, Jesus learns several new techniques, such as Jedi Mind powers, fish-and-loaves attack, fusion, going super-Saiyan, eventually becoming Mecha-Jesus (which cures his zombivampirism) and then has adventures in space where he fuses with useless space crystals to become Space Jesus. He later (earlier?) decides to time travel around and meet all sorts of crazy individuals like Moses Wan Kenobi and Buddha. Way to know shit Buddha.
He also defeats the alien emissary Genghis Kahn, transforms into various animals (such as the holy cow) both on the Ark and to fool the Israelites while they waited at the bottom of Mt. Ararat, beats the Grim Reaper on multiple occasions, gets the high score, knocks over the stands of the pornography peddlers, is frozen in Carbonite in the future, and eats a sandwich.
"And Ninja Judas Iscariot approached the rabbis of the Pharisees saying, 'the one whom I kiss is the one you seek', and the Pharisees responded, 'gaaaaaay!'"
- fish and loaves attack
- reincarnate ray
- healing factor (self and others)
- touch of death
- useless space crystals
- cheats death
- tha FUNK
- breakdance moves
- martial arts
- parlour tricks, prestidigitation, magic, illusions
- walks on water
- Jedi Mind powers
- +90 disease resistance
- time travel
- forgives sins
- power absorption
- weather control
- can eat 400 chicken wings
Nate's Book of Revelations, in which he emphasizes the 'S' (to one-up the 'poser Bible' as he writes), is full of horrific imagery and lacking much of the symbology of the original. The symbols it does employ make little semantical or contextual sense; "...and I looked up and I saw a hairy biped riding a moose, and thrashing wildly for no apparent reason, as if posessed with epileptic energy, foaming and spitting on every person in the world, dead or alive, and demanding to know where his gnomes were hiding...."Nate describes a future in which "every man, woman, robot, child and dog shall be raped in the butthole by Satan's spiked, fiery-lava cock, and thine skin made to explode, and thine fingernails bent back, and each hair plucked, and thine nipples sliced with papercuts, and thine eyeballs run like slick juices down thine screaming face, and thine genitals slit longways, and you like that don't you... yeah, you do..." etc. These scrolls grow increasingly disturbing, apocalyptic, and sticky.
These predictions are said to come to pass "when no one knows the time or hour, as they least expect it, God works in mysterious ways, but it might just as easily be on the morrow, so stay on your toes, God likes it when you're scared..."
He claims that everyone will be made to suffer, and nobody gets into heaven in the end, because God is a prick.
Nate's Gospels are interspersed with random personal stories, such as when Gabriel (in actuality not the archangel, but rocker Peter Gabriel) tries to kill him by causing a pane of glass to explode near his face.
There are also several short stories involving super mummies that seem to have little if anything to do with the Bible, the life of Jesus, God, or even Nate himself. It is possible that these were works of pulp fiction written by Nate on the side that may have been shuffled in with the other scrolls accidentally.
The Gospels also contain original recipes for Angel Food Cake, Devil's Food Cake, Deviled Eggs, the Broodwich, and Shake N' Bake. The results of these recipes have been described by Jacques Pepin as 'passable.'
The Gospels According to Nate ends with a cliffhanger, and may someday get a poorly done sequel, but expert theologans agree that too much time has passed for any screenwriter or director to attempt such a project.
Coming Soon: The Talmud According to Nate, the Koran According to Nate, the Book of Mormon According to Nate, the Tao of Nate, Dianetics According to Nate, and Chicken Soup for Nate.