A Letter to My Son

Dear Son,

If you're reading this, I'm probably dead or undead or in a different dimension. Don't let this get you down though; you're a trooper and I know I raised you to be a trooper, because why the hell wouldn't I do that? That's like assuming I didn't even have a son, we all know that I had a son and thinking otherwise would be pointless.

The purpose of this letter is to prepare you for the future, one where robot police have most likely taken over the government and a secret cabal of sorcerers is pulling strings from the shadows. You're reading this because I'm dead, I fucked up. Or at least I think I did, maybe there was a mistake and I'm just missing? Shit. In case I'm missing you might want to investigate that since I've most likely dropped off the map and no one else will be looking. 

Anyway, you're making your transition into manhood and it's going to suck. You may have a hard time dealing with certain things, I don't know! Maybe you have an alergy to peanuts or your back is broken, but don't let it get you down! That's the ultimate message here, pal: don't let things get you down, because when you're down you're not up and the only things to get you up are coke and viagra. Did I mention that you shouldn't get involved with drugs even though there are government benefits for drug users? Man, how things have changed...

I'm getting ahead of myself again. 

First thing's first: you're MY son and no one else's son. No one gets to own you like I do. I own all of my mistakes, you should too...if you make a mistake, that is. If you didn't make any mistakes then disregard that statement, but own your mistakes like you own at verbal tennis. Mad skillz; I encourage you to develop them, because having mad skillz owns and pays the billz. You will have billz, be warned. That's part of being a grown-up: having responsibility. It's your responsibility to act responsibly. Shit, I'm doing it again. Let's try this again. Okay?

You are my son, you have your father's blood, which is my blood, but not literally, because that would be weird. I guess if you were dying from some sort of blood loss or contagion and a full blood transfusion was the only thing that could save you, then it makes sense why I'm dead and you literally have my blood. What I mean is that you carry things inhereted from my genetics, like if I had mutant healing you'd have that too or something that could result as an offshoot of that gene-flaw. Flaw? Mutant healing is rad, but it is a mutation. Actually I meant that you share a bond with this family, your brothers and sisters and uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. I want you to take pride in being part of this family and remember that your family will always be there for you, in person or spirit...except me because I'm missing or dead.

Don't try to rely on your family for everything though, because you need to be self-sufficient and not a loser. There will be a lot of times where you will be on your own and having your family around for stuff like job interviews, dates, and sex is not cool. 

Your late teenage years are going to be the worst and you'll suffer through: emotional duress from puberty/hormones, drama with your friends, getting shot down and laughed at when you ask the popular girl to the dance/date, repeatedly turned down for sex (even from that girl that's not that cute, but she's not super popular so you think you have a shot,) getting beaten up by the older sports jocks, being talked down by the smarter kids, made fun of by the bad kids that smoke weed and get fucked by girls in another town, and berated by pretty much everyone. I don't envy you, no one envied me, no one envied my father, and my grandfather never had to go through that because his era was much different and had decent folk sometimes. 

I'd tell you what will get you through that easily, but it may not be possible for you to be: attractive, smart, physically fit and well sculpted, an extrovert, a smooth talker who can convince even the most stubborn of ladies into sleeping with you, and perfect in all ways. Instead I'll give you advice that is more easily worked with.

First, try to not be a complete loser. I've said this before in this letter, but I want to really get that to your head. Being a loser is for losers and I won't have anyone here being a loser. You can avoid being a loser by not hanging out with the meek little shit that everyone hates, because you're nervous about social interaction and subverting him to your demands is easy. Hang with the big boys and try not to make a complete ass out of yourself. Girls hate losers and having girls like you is the key to success. 

Second, if you are a girl ignore all of the advice I have given. I have no advice for girls, so you're fucked in that respect. I guess unless you're a lesbian or associate as a male type gender. 

Third, learn everything you can. Seriously, take extra-curricular classes, workshops, martial arts, guns, and crafts. You'll be on your own someday and chased by whomever is responsible for my (possible) death/disappearance. Any skills you have will come in handy; for instance, if a government assassin is tracking you down and you want to get him off your trail you'll know what sort of person you're dealing with just by seeing the shape of their weapons or knowing what chemicals they just attempted to use to kill/subdue you. Perhaps a demonically posessed robot is trying to destroy your house: with the right tools you can turn him into an obedient servant that can rob any bank you want. See? Skillz are important and I'll reinforce my point that they'll pay the billz. You don't want to die, because some shadow warrior broke your arms with a martial art technique, which COULD HAVE been countered had you not skipped that one krav maga class. Would you know how to defeat a guy weilding a long sword, flail, rapier, or spiked shield? How about getting around a force field? It's all very important to know.

Don't get the idea that you can't make mistakes though, just don't make fatal mistakes or you'll be dead. Really dead, like me (if i'm dead.) Reiterating my statement from before, just own your mistakes. While it does matter if you get a girl pregnant before you graduate highschool or accidentally create a devestating, wide-range bomb in chemistry, or somehow become an unwitting target of the shadow government, you can still make mistakes. Small ones, not like the ones i Just said, because you'll be in either financial or mortal trouble. In fact, try not to make any mistakes at all, but own the ones you do. The small ones, such as failing advanced algebra or breaking something fragile (not priceless though, you won't ever live that down) are perfectly ownable and dealable. 

While you don't want to cause unchangeable political or dimensional waves, you must be active. Be an active guy! I know you can because you're my son and my son should be capable of being active, not a lazy piece of shit that doesn't wash the dishes or take out the garbage or bathe. I always felt the more active and open-minded a person is, the better off they are. Participate in a variety of activities, try them all (except, like, fantasy football, because that's fucking stupid and a waste of time.) You'll meet plenty of people and make lots of friends, you may also be lucky and get laid every once-in-a-while. It's super important to be sexually active, because that'll free up stress and give you popularity; unless you have a small dick, then everyone will make fun of you after they find out and you'll NEVER please a woman for the rest of your life. I want to emphasize that there is no way to enlarge your penis, once you have a penis you are stuck with it for life unless you cut it off. Many have tried (to enlarge their penis) and failed, every time. 

Being active will also keep you busy, it will keep your mind off of the terrible things that may happen in your time, like dealing with your mom or possible siblings. If the country you live in happens to be having a lot of dumb things happening then you'll be safe from the mental anguish that is sure to plague your tiny brain. If you're smart you'll be actively participating in that stuff, which I may or may not condone later on. I don't know, it's not the future yet. 

Remember that you're precious, you're a special person dear to my heart: my one and only (or one of) son(s.) Over the years you've probably shown me that you are unique in character, we have probably been through thick and thin together. Or not, it's not like I've written this recently. I'll have a better idea of what to say when I've gone over this in the future with some concrete details. In case you're not my one and only son, you can pass this letter onto your siblings when they reach their teenage years, if you're the first child. If youre the last child, then you're probably getting this from your older brother/sister and I can't be fucked to keep track of this shit. Whatever. Anyway, I know I have (will) raised you to inheret our special family properties. We're unique and every person in my family and your mother's family has personalities that just rub off onto other people. 

You should pay special attention to other people's personalities, because I'm certain the government will develop certain behavior tracking systems that can identify a person based on their patterns. So if you can adopt other people's patterns, you'll have an easier way of staying untracked. It's also nice when you have company over and know them very well. 

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