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(If you you are looking for information about the new X-Men, this is not that page, repeat, this page has no information about the new x men. Click here for everything you need to know about the new X men.)


"previously... on X-MEN!"

Xmen

"very special"


















The X-Men are a group of stupid mutants who didn't even earn their lame powers, they were just born with them. All they really do is bicker amongst themselves and constantly fuck each other like it's a soap opera. Seriously, Xavier's School for "Gifted" Youngsters has so many overflowing, moist teenaged hormones, imagine the Brood-like venereal diseases going around and the horrible thoughts poor Charles Xavier is privy to... the old pervert.

Even when folks like Juggernaut or Magneto or the Sentinels or the United States Government try to do them a solid and knock their school down, they just rebuild it and start the angsty orgy all over again. Seriously, they call it a school but all the kids ever learn is how to get their fuck on and also how to put themselves in harm's way whenever some over-powered psychopath wants to take over the world. Sounds like child endangerment to me. At the very least, parents should ask for their tuition checks back.

And Wolverine teaches art? Fuck you. I actually had good art teachers, and I didn't even go to a private school.

So sometimes they go on missions and fight weird glam-rock aliens or kinky villains and their BDSM themed clubs. I mean, most of their characters, whether good or evil, make no damned sense. All the while spewing their political ideology, warping the minds of the kids. You want to preach tolerance and equality? Then go give those earthquake victims in Haiti homes and food, instead of causing millions in property damage and getting into riots in San Francisco. I agree with your cause, but violence begets violence, and you win more bees with honey. Not by leaving lazer blasts, extruded bone marrow, excess stretchy skin husks, and maggots in your wake everywhere you go. This is the sort of behavior that engenders anti-mutant sentiment.

You also hurt your cause for equality when you do shit like:

  • have all the female members in skin-tight and/or skimpy, revealing costumes
  • have a black X-man named 'Bling'. Another was named 'Doorman.' Probably because they made him get the door for them all the time.
  • Oh yeah, and Maggott. He was black. I guess they all can't be as cool as Storm. Or... anybody else.
  • kill off your Native American member on his second mission ever
  • and Alpha Flight had an openly gay character before you, X-Men.
  • Seriously. Alpha Flight.
  • You should be ashamed.

The one thing that I can say they did do that was good was to topple the illegitimate regime of the corrupt Genoshan government, but even that may have been a Psyop by Psylocke.

The X-Men end up occasionally being Awesome because they do have superpowers and fight crime. But this is all basically just incidental, like saying a waffle iron is great because you like waffles. No, waffles are awesome, the waffle iron is just doing its basic function. I can explain this principle by illustrating how the X-Men name their cool things. Danger Room; a room that is full of danger. Black Bird; our flying machine thing that we painted black. Cerebro; you know, it's like, cerebral and stuff.

They are also found guilty of a ridiculous amount of alternate future timelines, time travel paradoxes, secret lost family members, characters brought back from the dead, and retcons.

Uncanny X-Men - Uncanny X-Men Dark Phoenix Saga - Birth (1)14:08

Uncanny X-Men - Uncanny X-Men Dark Phoenix Saga - Birth (1)













And for a while there was an X-man named X-Man , and he's not even the leader or founder of the group - serious the X-men were around for like 35 years before somebody thought this up 35 years!

They have been known to help the Revengerists from time to time in their interdimensional adventures, but not because anybody asked them to.

X-Men Days of Future Past Trailer - Homemade Shot for Shot00:51

X-Men Days of Future Past Trailer - Homemade Shot for Shot










Please anjoy the following docu-drama starring the X-Men that follows a typical day in their lives, featuring one of their most popular villains:

X-MEN: DAYS OF SIMULATED PASTS!!Edit

theme song: X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men!!!


XMEN01:51

XMEN

The XMEN Theme Song

X-Men theme
544587 266282706805006 407849772 n

ding... Ding... DING!!!

Scene 1: Int. Jail

Pan over cells of various supervillains to see Arcade playing his Game Gear (but no game is in it)

Arcade: Bah! Arcade is out of batteries!

(he throws the game violently across the cell, but it lands on his pillow)

Arcade: Arcade shall now think of a much better plan to take over the world because Arcade is very bored! First, to escape from jail! Step one: Wet some soap.

Step two: Put the soap in the soap dish. Step three: Go to the gym-- Guard! Arcade must go to the gym!

Guard: Yeah, whatever... (reading a copy of Jugs, just lets Arcade out of his cell)

Arcade: My name is Arcaaade!


Int. Danger Room

The X-Men are battling many dangers, with Jean and Beast in the control room because they are lazy

Beast is reading many books (Dummies Guide to Danger Rooms) and saying things like... "fascinating, Jolly good! and Tally-ho!"

Spears pop out of the floor, nowhere near the X-Men, scaring them

A mechanical hand with Mickey Mouse gloves holds out a bag of Cheeto's

Storm: Look out! They're dangerously cheesy!

They have to form a human chain at Cyclops' command to get across a wet floor

Rogue flies around on a wheelie chair
Original2

Harmless lazers are shot at them

Cyclops: No! Not... lazers!?!

A small cardboard box lands on Storm's head

Storm: My claustrophobia! I am helpless! What can I do?

Nightcrawler: Tovarisch! I vill helpsk you!

(he teleports in front of a grandfather clock, but when he reappears, he also inexplicably has a box on his head)

Nightcrawler and Storm: Nooooo!

Rogue: Turn it off!
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Colossus (writhing on the floor): Make it stop! It's too much!

Jean (over speaker): It was only set to Level 2.

Cyclops: It's too powerful!

Jean: Of six-thousand.


Professor X: X-Men! X-Men! I am communicating with you telepathically over the intercom system! Please assemble in the conference room!

Wolverine: You mean the living room?

Professor X: ...yes.

Mh6fo1rjcq1kubxmc8yk












Int. Living Room

Professor X: One of our most deadliest enemies has excaped prison using the sheer brilliance of his superior brain! Let us consult Cerebron for more information on Arcade's whereabouts... and by Cerebron I mean Fox News.

Reporter (on TV): Although we haven't bothered to verify this, as are Fox News' standards, we have reports that Arcade has been staying at this local Motel 8

Arcade: Arcade wishes he could afford Holiday Inn.

Guard (on TV): First he caught me off guard by popping this bag of chips, then he pushed, then I fell, and then he ran away laughing at me!

Reporter: Why haven't you gone in and gotten Arcade yet?

Policeman: Well, he hasn't done anything illegal yet.

Reporter: But he broke out of prison!

Policeman: Believe it or not, that's not actually against the law. Look it up.

Reporter: Police doubt that they can catch Arcade, but remain unconcerned due to the small threat he actually poses. If only there were some unlicensed team of untested vigilantes who would-- *click*

Professor X: There's not. You, my X-Men, will have to be the next-best hope for humanity! Sickening, degenerate, inferior humanity!

...

Professor X: I expect you back by six for dinner.

Before-they-were-films-x-men

now with even more offensive blue-face!



Cyclops: To the blackbird!

(they are cramped in a mid-size van

Wolverine: This sucks, bub. Let's walk.

Colossus: Walking makes us strong!






Int. Super 8 Motel

The X-Men arrive in order to ascertain the villain's whereabouts in the hotel, only to find a suspicious hotel concierge who threatens them that they can check out any time they like, but they can never leave, then laughs maniacally.

Concierge (Arcade with a mustache): Oh, THAT Arcade... can be found on floor... three?

The X-Men go upstairs, many cheap hotel innuendos are made by Gambit and the other male members of the team at their voluptuous female teammates' expense. They encounter a towel guy (Arcade with a different mustache) who leads them to a trap room, which is actually the Sims meant to trap OUR HEROS THE X-MEN!!!!

As they explore their world and mood meters, Arcade sits at his complex console of various buttons and machineries.

Arcade: Arcade has become bored of the Sims, therefore the X-Men shall become the newest expansion pack for Arcade's amusement! Mwahahahaha!

Rogue: Why didn't ya just download the X-Men skins off the Internet internet, sugah?

Arcade: Shut up, wench! You are dressed like a wench now! What's that? Did Arcade upset you? Then... enjoy as Arcade commands Gambit to juggle!

  • click*

Rogue: I do enjoy that.

Jean: You can't do this to us! We are thinking, breathing, philosophical, nonfictional, hypersexual beings! Liberty, freedom--

Arcade (running his empty blender): Arcade cannot hear you, Arcade is making smoothies!

Beast: Zounds! The fiend! He won't offer us any!

Arcade (to himself): Arcade wishes he was REALLY making smoothies.


  • "how... fortunate..."
  • "jean..."
  • "totally radical!"
  • "FASCINAT!!!"
  • "OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!"
  • Attitude.
  • MISSION ACCOMPLISH.
  • "♫ It's a brand new daaaaaaaay! ♫"





Colossus: Ach! Nein! He ist bringink down ze mood levels!

Gambit (to Rogue): I know how I could get dem up, cher.


his Evil plans include:

  • putting a pantry in the bathroom to bring down hygiene
  • puts some of their food in the toilet (and telling them but not telling them which food)
  • he brings the Grim Reaper around, Wolverine wants to fight him even though touching him will make him die
Wolverine: "Die this!" *ding!*
  • Removing hallways
  • mouse pointer picks their noses
  • taking video of their private intimate moments
  • removes the railings to the pool while they are in it
  • making rooms two Sim squares smaller when they aren't looking
  • their bills adding up in the mailbox
  • sending neighbors over


(neighbors show up with a box of some type of brown food)

Sim Neighbor: We brought you some fudge... candy... we can't tell. We brought you some fudgecandy.

Sim Neighbor 2: Can we come in your house and eat YOUR food?

Jean: No! Wait.. yes...


The X-Men snicker as they feed what might be tainted food to their neighbors to test it

Arcade: Curse those Johnsons! They have been a constant thorn in my side since I abandoned their game!!

X-Men-Arcade

WELCOME TO DIE!!



Nightcrawler attempts to teleport out of the mansion, but just ends up in their real X-Mansion, which is identical but empty, so he (stupidly) believes that he has teleported everyone out of existence but himself.


Nightcrawler gets out calls for Professor X, who has gone shopping for groceries

Professor X meanwhile uses one of those handicapped arm extenders to reach for cereal on the top shelf


Int. Grocery Store

Professor X (wheeling up to the eggs, thinking nontelepathically): Hmm... I shall save precious time by using my telepathic powers to determine which carton of eggs has the perfect unbroken dozen...

(focuses hard... cut back and forth between his strained face and the eggs... closer and closer)

Eggs start exploding, Professor X wheels himself away whistling innocently.


MEANWHILE...

Beast is ousted from every room he is in by the noisemaking X-Men, he laments that it is no different than the real mansion, but here they have all kinds of crazy workout gym equipment, stereo sets, kitchen appliances, canneries, super science kits, and sexcapades. Yep. Pretty much like normal. The other X-Men hate his nerdy guts and tell him his bookreading is too loud and he should just SHUT UP.

Beast: Oh dearest me.

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Wolverine and Cyclops are predictably fighting over having sex with Jean

Storm: Jean, he did NOT just tell that to YOUR MAN *snap* *snap* *snap*!

Jean (thinking non-telepathically): Which one IS my man?

Rogue: Y'all stop fightin'!

Wolverine: Just because you can't have sex!

Rogue: Can too! Just not... with anyone else.

(Gambit's mood meter drops)



Arcade: Arcade is busy making toast... LAZER TOAST!!

Cyclops: Not... LAZER TOAST!?!

Arcade: Did you hear that X-Men! You get none of Arcade's lazer toast!

Rogue: This place is about as borin' as our REAL mansion.

Gambit: Yep.

...

Rogue: You say somethin' sug/hun/darlin'?

Gambit: Nope.

(downtrodden)



Rogue: Ya'know, sug, in here all I ahm is 1's and 0's.

Gambit: I don't know what dat mean, cherie. Let's have sex!

(they go in the bathroom)

Rogue: Beast! Get out of the pantry! Idiot!

(they kick him out even though he was reading a newspaper on the john)



Colossus: I amsk explorinsk!

(Colossus finds a door in the mansion that leads right into Arcade's office)

(Arcade isn't even playing the Sims, but some Tom Clancy game instead)

Arcade: Drat! Why did I program that door!?



Colossus is frozen still by a cheat code



Cyclops: X-Men assemble!

Storm: We are assembled!

Cyclops (snottily): Well... Nightcrawler's not here.

Storm: .........Fine.



Arcade: You will have to face my... LAZERBOTS!

Cyclops: Not... lazers!?!

Arcade: Go, my Lazerbots! Do what Arcade is too lazy to do!.. mmhyes.


The lazerbots beat them up with a "POW" and a "WHAM" and a "WIKKAPOWWOW!!" especially that douchetool Cyclops who deserves it.

Xmen1992b

because I have THESE.. and they CUT THINGS.

Arcade: Yes, Arcade is winning!

Wolverine: Oi! I'm gonna cut ya, bub! *ding-ding-DING!* (the edit/dissolve of claws getting longer)


The X-Men begin to fight back and destroy the robot henchmen with a "SNIKT" and a "ZZAP" and a "CANNONBAAALL!"



The tides of battle turn.

Storm: WIND! Blow with the mighty wind of a thousand windiest WINDS!!

Storm summons a storm... outside... the window is closed

Arcade: There's no atmospheric pressure inside. IDIOT.



Gambit: Let's play some cards!

Gambit throws his nude playing cards at Arcade, but they just hit him in the face and do nothing.

Arcade: Ow.



Jean destroys his machine with her mind, various things start to rattle, blender, toaster, computer keyboard, pillow mints, TV remote.

Exhausted, she faints.

Jean: Oh, Scott! Catch me!

(he doesn't)


Rogue takes Arcade's powers

Rogue: Mah head! No! Have-- urge to masturbate to Photoshopped celebrity porn on the internet... and play seventeen hours of Myst! NO!! WHY DO I SUDDENLY KNOW WHAT SMIL CODE IS?

X-men-juggernaut-costume

I'm a juggernaut bitch!


Arcade: Wait! Arcade isn't really Arcade at all! Arcade is a robot! Really!

...

Arcade: Arcade wishes he was a robot...



(having foiled Arcade, they are giving him to police who have him handcuffed and put in the backseat of a cruiser)

Cyclops: You'll be playing all your video games... from jail! Hahaha!

Wolverine: Hope you like anal rape!

(awkward silence)

(SuperFriends noise as 'X' flies on the screen)



Int. Mansion, the REAL one

When they get back, Nightcrawler is hiding in a couch cushion fort with his Bible for the end times.

Xmen christmas special34

can you feel me near you?


Jean: Well, it sure is good to be home where none of our food has been in the toilet!

Wolverine: ... uh, that's right.

Gambit: Yes, we are poor and gots no groceries!

Rogue: Wasn't the Professor going to go buy some food for dinnah, sug??




Ext. Grocery Store

Professor X's wheelchair has overturned, his groceries splayed everywhere, people walking by ignoring him

Professor X: Little help? Help please, for a mutated cripple? Oh, probably shouldn't have said I was a mutant. Please? I've fallen and my telekinesis can't help me up. I know you heard me, I can read your thoughts!



EPILOGUE
Beast x-men first Class

GUH?

(police take Beast to jail for no good reason)

Storm: Look Beast, outside, go out there. There's some books.

Beast: Oh my! Whereabouts?

Rogue: On that thar book-treee!

Beast: Fascinating.

(he leaves, they dial 9-1-1)

Cyclops: Hello, police? You need to come get this mutant in our front lawn! What? He's doin' stuff! What kind of stuff? ...Who cares, he's a muuutant!!!


X-Men theme

theme song: X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men, X-Men!!!

Pryde of the X-Men Intro00:34

Pryde of the X-Men Intro

COMING YOUR WAY!!!!

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